i'm really sad at the moment
i feel awful and really angry and i feel feckless and hopeless and wish there was some way out
i do feel like everyone apart from luke has moved away from me again and i wish they hadn't, i want someone who's all "anni please come out today, iwant t see you coz i havent seen you in ages" but no.
I've slept my day away, in between doing chores and watching tv and feeling awfully ill with stomach cramps.
i've missed luke a lot and i can't get over how mean i've been to him, i'm so worried that he's starting to rethink our relationship. i do love him. i can't even cope a day without him. i have a terrible sadness that could be from the pmt.
it's never been this bad before.
i got slapped across the face by my sister earlier because she's an idiot.
i was really excited about joining caroline's drama group but it now appears that i may not be allowed to after all, even tho dad had said i could. i feel really sad about that.
i'm trying so hard not to make the same mistakes in this relationship as i had done in my previous ones, so i'm trying to not make myself seem possessive because i know it can be thrown in my face later as them not having enough time to themselves or to see their friends. luke wants to see me every day though, but i'm scared that he thinks i'll mind if he left me alone for a couple of days, so i keep giving him the option to not see me which frustrates him. i dont want to seem possessive, and my paranoia has been kept under wraps as well, and seriously so. i don't think i've acted paranioid once... since before sailing, and because i was proved wrong about that i don't feel paranoid anymore. but it's still there, and after 2 months i am thinking... what if it ends soon? because the flair will disappear after a few months.
it hasn't been hard work so far. maybe i have had to pay out a lot more than he has, but i understand why he can't return the favour and i'm trying not to even joke about it in case he takes it the wrong way. i'm a bit worried that once term starts i wont be able to see him nearly as much as i have been-which is true. in fact i'm really really worried about it and i'm hoping to talk to him about it tomrorow.
i hope when i go back to school people will remember me again. it could be my fault that i've been neglecting my friends, but ... oh well.

this has been the best summer of my life!!
after my last post everything has just been wonderful, i should probably start from the very beginning although i can hardly remember it because my life has been so busy!

9th July: Dad dropped me off at Luke's and me, him and Dave went to Jenny's church together because Jenny was being baptised, it was an interesting and fun service although the sermon went on for a full half hour. afterwards we had a lunch, and we gave jenny her presents and she absolutly adored her bracelet, she's still wearing it to this day. Then we went back to jennys and that was alright altho we didnt do much. then josh drove claire back home and dropped me and luke off in a park near caroline's where we sat and chatted for aages and it was so much fun :) jenny said we looked really cute together when they drove off. then i went to caroline's for the evening which was a laugh coz it was her me and ruth and we slept in her room on a masive makeshift bed which was funny

10th July: we went from caroline's house and walked to school for the induction day which was alright altho rachie forgot and turned up late. the new girls seemed alright (i was so nervous at first) but they didnt seem keen to stay. I'm in mrs. Armstrong's form now which is cool. it was a good day.

11th July: We all went to the beach together in Frinton which was great fun, we swam for ages and rebaptised Jenny several times, it was so much fun, i loved it. then i got the earlier train home to see Luke and his new haircut, which was so short and it made me laugh lol but it's nicer now. we sat in a park for ages and waited for the others to come into town then we all went to pizza hut after playing on the swings and that was so much fun. that day was probably my favourite one of the whole summer.

12th July: went to see pirates of the caribbean 2 with luke, jenny and rachel which was cool. the film was alright if a bit busy, but it was nice being there with luke and jenny.

16th July: went to church, then work, then to my friend from Church's bbq thing for her birthday which was fun coz i met Matt and Verity, people who used to go to my old school for the first time in 5 years and Matt is wonderful, we're meeting up again soon, he's just so chatty and fun to talk to. it was a relaxing evening at alice's and we planned a massive party in her outhouse but i doubt it'll happen lol :)

17th July: Went canalling with Ruthy until the 21st which was cool altho ruth didnt speak to me very much during the week, but when we did it was cool and it was so nice being in Glosctershire with all the hills and we went to a pub every evening and it's so beautiful there! i missed luke a lot but we texted so it was alright, and i saw him again on the friday when i got back :)

23rd july: went to Luke's house for the night which was fun, we sat up and watched films til 3 in the morning and then had to leave the next morning at 12. oh dear! lol, but it was so much fun being with him.

25th July: Ruthy came round and we had an arts and crafts day and painted bottles, watched tv and made a cake :) it was so much fun, and i have pictures!!

27th July: saw Luke again
28th July: Had a hair cut
29Th July: went to harriers!!
harriers was amazing, i was on Wood Violet with Rachel, Savage, Peter and Clive and we had so many running jokes and a laugh every day, i hadn't laughed so much in ages. me and Luke didnt get to speak very much at first but it was great seeing him every day. me and jenny slept together on womack which was wonderful, we laughed every night and i love her so much :) it was really nice being there, this time i didnt get depressed and i felt like i fitted in and i was so happy to be there. i had 2 songs written about me!

5th August: came home, cried for hours. Jenny's parents brought me all the way home after we had fish and chips with jenny mark and matt in martham before dropping jenny and mark off at mallards and harriers which was great. luckily sophie caroline and ruth all came round that evening.
during that week we went t the cinema, went shopping, walked around maldon, had a slob out day at home and went swimming which was cool. they all went home on sunday the 12th when dad came home.
14th August: took a trai up to norwich where jenny and josh took me to how hill to meet up with everyone on the Japonica. it was a really great week on japnica, we had a pissup on monday where me and luke had deep meaningful discussions under a tree at howhill. also on monday we went t stalham and had a walk round and luke bought me a parasol. the tuesday Fiona came and it was fun, she took us to the pub and then she took me nicky and luke on a long walk back to her car to sort out a few problems, i didnt mind tho because it was nice walking in the dark with luke. that werdnesday we went to wroxham which was an experience, and in the evening we wernt to horning church and lit loads of candles on the bank and played scrabble which was fun. thursday we had engine problems after setting off early and luckily made it through the bridges. then we snapped our mast in the late afternoon after an unforunate gybe, luckily we got a replacement boat the japonica 7 which was cool. we went to the pub in hickling with fiona again and that was a fairly fun evening. me and luke were a bit tipsy and had a chat outside until around 1.30 in the morning. the friday we all went to the beach near horsey which was cool coz we got to see seals! the sea was cold though so we didnt swim much. we had a bbq but all the meat got covered in sand, and then it looked like it was about to rain so we had to leave quickly. on the way back we made plans about next year's cruise, which is going to be amazing.

19th August: dad came and picked me luke and nicky up, then we had brunch in horning before taking nicky to coots. then dad drove luke home and i had a shower before having to drive back to colchester to pick kyran up from the train station. it was odd having kyran here.
20th August: went to V festival with kyran and ruth. kyran was a right prick for most of the day due to his "bipolar" but im so glad ruth was there coz me and her went off together and saw bands like the Grates and BellX1 who were amazing!! he shot marshmallows and i loved being there, it was almost worth the £70 but i still think that much money was a bit of a waste.
21st August: took kyran back to the trainstation early and then met up with luke for the afternoon, it was good seeing him again altho he was worried about his results.
22nd August: went round luke's house for the night which was amazing. we watched jarhead, east is east and yeah... maybe i lost something.
23rd August: went with luke and had a look round the sixth form building, it's amazing... then went with him when he went to give blood, then we walked to jenny's house and i was round hers for the evening because:
24th August: our results came out, and i had to go in early!! so i went with jenny and we were 2 of the 30 who got all As. i got 6A*s and 5As which i didnt expect at all! i had to have a newspaper interview but i doubt that i got into a newspaper actually. then we all went to the Hub and decided about camping, then luke took me back to his house for the afternoon coz he had cleaning to do.
25th August: went round luke's house again for the evening.
26th August, which finally brings me up to date! i did the laundry, packed things for camping and went to archery which was fun although my arms hurt lots now, i'm so out of practise! and now this evening we're going out for a chinese to celebrate our results coz nicky came home.

and i should really think about getting ready.

i've thought about it

xxxx

as of the 29th, luke is now my boyfriend. and it really is amazing, this is different to anything else ive had before because he lives near me. actually only half an hour away by car. he lives less than 20 miles away. i can see him every week. we can go on dates. its not like the other ones where i have to worry about seeing them. i like luke so much. i think i may love him but it's probably too early to say. i can't believe this has happened. i went on a date with him the other day and it was amazing, he's wonderful. we're getting along great but im really going to try hard so that i dont mess this up. i'm seeing him again on sunday and i really can't wait. i miss him when we don't talk, and after we'd gone out last saturday he texted telling me he missed me. which meant so much. he's the best thing that's happened to me in ages, summer just looks so much more amazing knowing he'll be there. im a bit worried about missing him when i go canalling with ruth and when he's at sailing for a whole week, but i'm sure we'll get over it.
i got a new necklace and new shoes today. i also made my own pair of 3/4 lengths out of an old pair of jeans.
word of the day.
cackhanded: adj. awkward, clumsy, left handed.
ruth introduced me to Robots in Disguise and i really like them :)

ainadvertant: adj. unintentional
today i asked dad what was wrong with me.
i have anorexia.

A million minds and a million voices
A million thoughts, and only one choice

the need to find peace

cadaver: noun: corpse

havent written in a while, and i guess it would be a lie to say i havent been doing much, i went to london and met rob yesterday which was cool. i got two new CDs, Coheed and Cambria and All American Rejects. erm, yeah and Luke's started talking to me again, and at work Adam started talking to me which was quite nice, coz he seems like a decent kind of guy. got off half an hour early today because the manager wanted to watch the football. some terrible things have been happening with the Kyran situation... oh well, can't have everything. erm, oh yeah mum's south african friend Maricke is round and she's really cool, its quite nice to have her around the house. i think thats about it as a summary of my week, next week i have my last exam and then i'm going to go round ruth's house for the evening, and on wednesday rob's coming over and i'm having my hair done for the prom, and in the evening obviously there's the prom. rob goes home again on thursday... and on friday i think there's sarah duke's party but this was before we had a fall out. Saturday i have archery, the church barbeque and on sunday i have work again, which should actually be quite fun. i cant believe i have blacky marks on my forehead from sorting cds and didnt notice, lol, the people at work must have had a right laugh. anyway, thats about it. altho for me it's quite social. i dont have much to say upon the word of the day, just that it features in the song that follows, which is also by coheed and cambria and i thought the lyrics were quite strong. i really should go see how the england v ecuador match is going now.

In the final curtain call
You left me here with the coldest of feelings
Weight, kind, depression
Blessing the floor with the places you stepped in

Will they ever measure up?
To the way you left me
Here by the roadside
The bloodiest cadaver
Marked in your words
I'm the joke
I'm the bastard

Hey wait, so I guess that you've knew
That you're a selfish little whore
I'm the selfish little whore
If I had my way I'd crush your face in the door

This is no beginning, yeah yeah
This is the final cut, open up
This is no beginning, yeah yeah
This is the final cut, I'm in love
Coheed and Cambria: IV: The Final Cut

decadent: deteriation in morality or culture

yesterday went well, i got £46 from working one day! and i figured out why woolies didnt seem to pay so well, lol. i dont really have much to say about today. rob is now coming as my prom date, i really hope i didnt cause him too much hassle. tom came in while i was working... :P not like i wasnt expecting it. heh heh. i was so hungry, i forgot to eat lunch before i went. eeerm.... what else? i have an exam tomorrow, then im meeting tom betts for a bit. am now eating some lamb chops. mmmm. i love lamb. and i need to get to the lemonade in the kitchen. s'all good ... haha!

it really isnt my week this week.

now i dont have a date for the prom coz kyran cant go, his mum wont let him.

this is so not my best day. this is awful.

prospect: 1. something anticipated. 2. view from a place. 3. probability of future success. 4. explore

i went to a chinese resturant today with ellie and that lot today because i left jenny with caroline and that lot after we bumped into them and i saw that jenny would probably have a better time with then than me. i was walking around town for half an hour on my own virtually in tears because i felt so rejected and at the last moment i called ellie to see if i could hang around with them which i thought would be cool but it turns out that sarah didnt want to talk to me much so in the end it was them, in their tightly knit little group and me sticking out like a sore thumb. i swear there must be something wrong with me, to be rejected so often. i mean this is what i was paranoid, and it seems as tho its true... people dont want to spend time with me. people would rather be with other people than me. but i endured the chinese because i was so hungry. i paid £5 for it, they told me it was cheap. i was distraught. i got a fortune cookie, and it read:
the prospect of a thirlling time ahead for you
no, i dont know what it means. i went home pretty promptly. came home and cried alone on my bed. how sad!
anyway. i have no plans for today. i wonder what my fortune cookie meant. as far as i can see, all that lies ahead of me is an eternity of lonliness.

when you get up to leave the room and once you're out of the door, England scores in the football. it always happens to me! im not exactly your avid fan of football, half the time i dont even know the rules, but my parents enjoy watching a game now and then so i was watching the world cup today-england v trinidad and tobago, and LOL i just have to leave the room when england score the only goal (so far) of the game. typical.

i dyed my hair dark reddy brown again today, it is so different, a real change from that weird ginger malarky i had going on. i cant get over it. i had history today as well which i think went okay...

and i've finished the last volume of fruits basket which fell into my possession yesterday! apparently there's 20 volumes, however only 13 of these are so far in english. i couldn't help myself, i went and checked out what the plot was like and woah, it gets intense. in a good way... oh kyo <3 lol, i love him. its such a good anime, i love it so much.

anyway, i think thats about it for today, apart from me dying my hair, lol! i have physics tomorrow but i havent revised much, but hopefully i'll do okay. i hope i do. single science physics is kinda easy.

ill leave you with the word of the day... which i'll select by opening the dictionary randomly...
foible: noun: minor weakness or slight peculiarity "his guy i know has a slight foible... he eats too many apples."

yes, i cant think of what to write about foible for now, but i think it's a good word. i guess everyone has their own foibles.